In the days immediately after Mom died, I was so thankful that we didn't have a strained relationship that would leave me with a lot of regrets. About a month ago, I started to remember things a little differently.
There was a period of time where my relationship with my mom was really strained. It was probably about 8 years. It wasn't bad all the time, but we had some really intense, emotional exchanges. In the interest of full disclosure, I need to take a lot of responsibility for it. The main thing that I struggled with was that I really wanted my mom to be proud of me. I felt like there was specific things that she had in mind for me to do and if I wasn't doing those things, I wasn't living up to her expectations. I put a lot of that on myself, but I would not be honoring my mom's memory by pretending that all of our issues were completely on my shoulders.
Once I was married, things weren't as bad. I don't really know why. I wish I could ask her what changed that made things better. Did I change? Did she change? I so envy those of you who get to grow up as an adult and get to know your mother better as you learn how to be a wife and mother. You will have so many opportunities that I wont have. Most of you will probably have years to work though the mother-daughter strife that you've had.
Dad was going through some of Mom's things about a month ago and he sent me a couple of letters that I had written to her. I'm sure he thought they would be something that I would treasure. I wonder if he ever read them because they were from some of the most strained seasons of our relationship. It brought back all kinds of painful memories. I'm still struggling with how to deal with it. I would give anything to hear her tell me that she was proud of me and that she trusted my judgment as a woman, a daughter, a wife and mother. I think she told me those things sometimes, but I want to be reminded because I'm starting to doubt it.
Just a paragraph ago, I said that most of you would have years to work out your issues with your mom (or daughter), and a little over 4 months ago, I would have thought I did too.
Mom holding my daughter, Audrey, less than 3 weeks before Mom passed away
About Me
- Amy
- I'm a stay at home mom to three children. I have a son who is 6 and an almost 5 year old daughter and a 2 year old son. I live in a small town about an hour west of Minneapolis.
3 comments:
I so want to know my mom would have been proud of me too. Since that cant really happen, 2nd best is hearing some who knew her say it. It still isnt the same.
Hugs my friend
I knew your Mom well. She was very proud of you! She also was very open regarding her own issues of codependency and her recovery from the issues she brought with her from her childhood. She always said that she was a "work in progress." It is my opinion that we all are. I have found it transitioning to move from parenting a teenager to a young adult...just as it is transitioning to move from childhood to adulthood. We never arrive. You might find it helpful to read some of the literature on codependency...maybe it would give you some understanding of your mom's and your relationship. I think sometimes she was just as insecure being a parent as you are being her child...She loved you and Brian dearly...and she was very proud of you. I know. She was my best friend. She was always desiring to learn to live life in a better way...She loved you dearly...and desired to be a good mom to adult children..we all live with our own humanity. We were all born after Genesis Ch. 3. Parents and children alike. It is good that you are processing this now...it will help you with your own children..Rest assured, your Mom was proud of you ! I don't lie. (Smile)
Thanks Marie and Vivian. It's good to hear from you.
Amy
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