Audrey's Birthday

Audrey turns 2 tomorrow.


It's bittersweet since Mom is gone. 1/3 of her life has happened without my mom around. I'm feeling sad about it today. Life has gone on and I don't really want it to. It would have been nice to have her around today to see Audrey playing, talking and enjoying life. It would have been fun to see her open a gift that Mom had spent time looking for and specifically picked for her.


I know as Audrey's mom I'm supposed to think she's pretty, but I really think I would think she was gorgeous even if I wasn't her mom. Look at this beauty:

Childbirth/Motherhood

I became an aunt today for the first time. I didn't do any work to bring my neice, Chloe, into this world and I'm exhausted! Tim and Erica planned to send a text message to friends and family when they checked into the hospital. They sent a message at about 3:00 yesterday.

Then we waited.

And waited.

After staying up too late and waking my husband numerous times to check his phone for a message and several calls to family to find out if they knew anything, we finally heard from Tim around 9:00am this morning.

It reminded me of the agony that mother went through when I was in labor with our first child, Ethan. Ethan was due on June 6th or 7th (I don't remember now!), but on April 24th, my water broke and contractions started and nothing would stop it. Nathan and I had told our parents to pray for us. Mom knew that we had been transferred to Abbott, but really didn't have many details other than that. She called later that evening to get an update. It just so happened, that was the very time, I was taken to the delivery room so I told the nurse to tell her we would call her back.

The message somehow got confused and Mom thought that they said that I had just had the baby. She waited for a call back. Meanwhile, it took me a good 2 hours of pushing to get Ethan out. She waited for 2 hours thinking that I had the baby, and wondering why I wasn't calling. Since I was over 6 weeks from my due date, she was very worried. Mom had delivered me 6 weeks early and 2 years before that, my brother came over 10 weeks early. So, you can imagine the scenarios she was playing out in her head. I had no idea.

I wish I had known at the time how important it was to my mom to actually be there. Not that she wanted or needed to be in the room. She just wanted to be at the hospital. I felt bad when she relayed her thoughts to me later.

17 months later, Mom was at my house with me when I went into labor with Audrey. We had gone for a walk and had lunch. I took a short nap. I was still lying down thinking about getting up , when I felt my abdomen jolt. I was pretty sure my water had broke. I called my mom over and told her I was going to get up and make sure. As soon as I sat up, it was obvious. She went into action gathering bags and waking Ethan and buckling him in the van and drove me to the hospital. On the way there she timed my contractions. 1 minute apart... less than a minute apart... "Mom, if you don't slow down gently at this next intersection, the car may stop, but the baby will keep coming". She dropped me off at the front door and waited with Ethan in the lobby to hand him off to my dad when he arrived. By the time she came up to the floor where I was, she could hear Audrey's cries. The nurses assured her she could go in and after Audrey had some bonding time with Nathan and I, Mom got to hold her.

I know it doesn't sound like that big of a deal, but when my mom delivered my brother 10 weeks early and then me 6 weeks early, she had to wait to have that physical bonding time. They took us away very quickly. My brother was actually flown to another hospital. So, to have the experience of holding her brand new granddaughter less than an hour later, was a tremendous blessing. Here's a picture of Mom and I looking at Audrey in awe while the nurse finished cleaning her up.

Ethan and Audrey and missing Mom

I haven't really posted anything lately because I haven't known what to say. I feel like the initial crisis is behind me. I'm slowly adjusting to my new "normal". Maybe it's just in my head, but it seems quieter.

I know that whatever I feel is normal and fine. Sometimes I think that maybe I should feel a little more sad. It's been harder and easier than I would have imagined. I've said this before, I think, but the hardest part is missing the daily phone call where we would just talk about life and she would want to know everything about the kids. Everything they did and said, she wanted to hear it. Ethan and Audrey are sick again and I know that if she had been around, she would have loved to come and rock Audrey and read stories to Ethan and snuggle him at nap time.

There are some fun stories that I'm not sure I've mentioned.

This one I know I haven't mentioned earlier. Yesterday, Audrey was sitting in my lap when I was sitting at the computer. I brought up a picture of Mom and she smiled, got excited, and started gesturing and pointing and babbling at it. It made me so happy. I know she wont remember Mom for much longer, but it sure seemed like she knew she was looking at a picture of one of the people who loves her most.

Also, on Friday, Ethan told me, out of the blue, that I could pray to Jesus. I asked him what I should pray about. He said, "Anything you want." I think he may be on to something there.

Finally, shortly after Mom passed away, I was explaining to Ethan that Grandma Henning was in Heaven with Jesus because she loved Jesus and had asked Jesus into her heart. Ethan replied by shouting out, "Jesus in my heart!". I'm not sure if that was his 2 year old understanding of asking Jesus into his heart, it might have been. If my mom knew that her death would be the thing that caused Ethan to put his trust in Jesus, I know she would have gladly accepted the assignment.