I haven't really posted anything lately because I haven't known what to say. I feel like the initial crisis is behind me. I'm slowly adjusting to my new "normal". Maybe it's just in my head, but it seems quieter.
I know that whatever I feel is normal and fine. Sometimes I think that maybe I should feel a little more sad. It's been harder and easier than I would have imagined. I've said this before, I think, but the hardest part is missing the daily phone call where we would just talk about life and she would want to know everything about the kids. Everything they did and said, she wanted to hear it. Ethan and Audrey are sick again and I know that if she had been around, she would have loved to come and rock Audrey and read stories to Ethan and snuggle him at nap time.
There are some fun stories that I'm not sure I've mentioned.
This one I know I haven't mentioned earlier. Yesterday, Audrey was sitting in my lap when I was sitting at the computer. I brought up a picture of Mom and she smiled, got excited, and started gesturing and pointing and babbling at it. It made me so happy. I know she wont remember Mom for much longer, but it sure seemed like she knew she was looking at a picture of one of the people who loves her most.
Also, on Friday, Ethan told me, out of the blue, that I could pray to Jesus. I asked him what I should pray about. He said, "Anything you want." I think he may be on to something there.
Finally, shortly after Mom passed away, I was explaining to Ethan that Grandma Henning was in Heaven with Jesus because she loved Jesus and had asked Jesus into her heart. Ethan replied by shouting out, "Jesus in my heart!". I'm not sure if that was his 2 year old understanding of asking Jesus into his heart, it might have been. If my mom knew that her death would be the thing that caused Ethan to put his trust in Jesus, I know she would have gladly accepted the assignment.
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You know, sometimes I've had that experience that something wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I think you and I think about things a lot and sort them out in our heads better than some people. So we can get beyond the emotion to the truth of the situation. So that makes it a bit easier. But then, we have not allowed our emotions to do the cleansing work that they are there for. So, eventually, our emotions take over our reason and we have a really hard time for a short while. Then our intellect takes over again and we are fine. Does that make sense? It is different than a person who is more controlled by emotion all the time. They have a different kind of a hard time because it consumes them more at the beginning, but their grief, maybe, isn't so up and down. Anyway, the way you grieve is what is right for you. We are all different and will experience things differently.
Those were precious stories about the kids. Thanks for sharing them.
Chris
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