Ethan quote

"Moms don't go away".



I love that in Ethan's world, I am always there or will be soon.

Audrey's Birthday

Audrey turns 2 tomorrow.


It's bittersweet since Mom is gone. 1/3 of her life has happened without my mom around. I'm feeling sad about it today. Life has gone on and I don't really want it to. It would have been nice to have her around today to see Audrey playing, talking and enjoying life. It would have been fun to see her open a gift that Mom had spent time looking for and specifically picked for her.


I know as Audrey's mom I'm supposed to think she's pretty, but I really think I would think she was gorgeous even if I wasn't her mom. Look at this beauty:

Remarriage

What a provocative title, huh? This post is a collection of my thoughts and responses to the question, "Do you think that your dad will get remarried someday?"

Short answer: Yes. My father is young, handsome and a very good catch.

Very long and rambling answer follows:

I read somewhere that men who lose a spouse marry faster than women in similar circumstances. There are a couple of different factors in play, but the thing that stuck out to me about the one article I read was that a relatively short period of time between the death of the men's spouses and their remarriage was particularly hard on their daughters. I'm a daughter so that struck a chord with me. The article went on to say that it somehow made it harder for the daughters to work through their grief.

Part of me understands how this could be true. I've thought about how I would feel if my father remarried quickly. "Quickly" is a relative term. So, for this purpose, I'll define that as within 2 years of the death of my mom. It would be easy to see that as a statement about my parent's marriage. If Dad were to call me tomorrow and tell me that he found "someone", I would feel like maybe my parent's relationship wasn't as special as I thought it was if he was able to move on so quickly. I would fear that other people would look at the situation and think the same thing.

However, the truth is that my mom isn't coming back. Having my father sit around lonely doesn't mean that he loved my mom more than if he were to remarry.

Dating and remarriage doesn't have to dishonor the memory of the deceased spouse. It sometimes does in one of two ways: 1) The surviving spouse looks for a "replacement" to fill the shoes of their deceased spouse. They want someone who looks, talks, acts, and thinks just like them. Or 2) they swing way to the other side of the spectrum. The surviving spouse was so in love in their marriage that they have resigned themselves that they will never have a relationship as meaningful as that again so they aren't choosy. They just want someone to do laundry, cook supper and provide companionship. I would have a very difficult time dealing with either one of those scenarios.

The biggest deal breaker for me would be for my father to pursue a relationship with someone who didn't share a genuine, strong faith in Christ. That would spit in the face of the memory of my mother more than anything I could imagine. I can't even begin to tell you how offended I would be. If my father were to introduce a woman to his grandchildren that he wouldn't want Audrey to grow up to be like, would break my heart. I know it's not my decision to make, but that is the one and only thing that is non-negotiable for me and I would speak up about.

So, I guess that's my answer to anyone who might ask. It would be an adjustment, but unless my father was pursuing someone that didn't love the Lord, the adjustment would be managable.

Childbirth/Motherhood

I became an aunt today for the first time. I didn't do any work to bring my neice, Chloe, into this world and I'm exhausted! Tim and Erica planned to send a text message to friends and family when they checked into the hospital. They sent a message at about 3:00 yesterday.

Then we waited.

And waited.

After staying up too late and waking my husband numerous times to check his phone for a message and several calls to family to find out if they knew anything, we finally heard from Tim around 9:00am this morning.

It reminded me of the agony that mother went through when I was in labor with our first child, Ethan. Ethan was due on June 6th or 7th (I don't remember now!), but on April 24th, my water broke and contractions started and nothing would stop it. Nathan and I had told our parents to pray for us. Mom knew that we had been transferred to Abbott, but really didn't have many details other than that. She called later that evening to get an update. It just so happened, that was the very time, I was taken to the delivery room so I told the nurse to tell her we would call her back.

The message somehow got confused and Mom thought that they said that I had just had the baby. She waited for a call back. Meanwhile, it took me a good 2 hours of pushing to get Ethan out. She waited for 2 hours thinking that I had the baby, and wondering why I wasn't calling. Since I was over 6 weeks from my due date, she was very worried. Mom had delivered me 6 weeks early and 2 years before that, my brother came over 10 weeks early. So, you can imagine the scenarios she was playing out in her head. I had no idea.

I wish I had known at the time how important it was to my mom to actually be there. Not that she wanted or needed to be in the room. She just wanted to be at the hospital. I felt bad when she relayed her thoughts to me later.

17 months later, Mom was at my house with me when I went into labor with Audrey. We had gone for a walk and had lunch. I took a short nap. I was still lying down thinking about getting up , when I felt my abdomen jolt. I was pretty sure my water had broke. I called my mom over and told her I was going to get up and make sure. As soon as I sat up, it was obvious. She went into action gathering bags and waking Ethan and buckling him in the van and drove me to the hospital. On the way there she timed my contractions. 1 minute apart... less than a minute apart... "Mom, if you don't slow down gently at this next intersection, the car may stop, but the baby will keep coming". She dropped me off at the front door and waited with Ethan in the lobby to hand him off to my dad when he arrived. By the time she came up to the floor where I was, she could hear Audrey's cries. The nurses assured her she could go in and after Audrey had some bonding time with Nathan and I, Mom got to hold her.

I know it doesn't sound like that big of a deal, but when my mom delivered my brother 10 weeks early and then me 6 weeks early, she had to wait to have that physical bonding time. They took us away very quickly. My brother was actually flown to another hospital. So, to have the experience of holding her brand new granddaughter less than an hour later, was a tremendous blessing. Here's a picture of Mom and I looking at Audrey in awe while the nurse finished cleaning her up.

Did you know?

I also have a blog here?

More photos from yesterday (click on photo)

Mom's birthday

Happy Birthday, Mom!

We celebrated Mom's birthday today with a trip to IHOP and then a jaunt over to Fort Snelling to see the gravestones for Mom and Grandpa. It was a great day and we had a lot of fun together. That top picture cracks me up! Ethan is looking away and Audrey has her eyes closed. Oh well. I can't get the other images to upload right now. I'll try again later.

Moving on

I've felt overwhelmed with the responsibilities of motherhood and continuing to process missing my mom. About a week ago, I started taking an anti-depressant. It seems to be helping a little. I don't feel so "on-edge" or so blue.

I have some things to say, but I'm not sure where to start. I'll try to post something later.

Explanations of pain

The Desiring God site had a good article about Why God Doesn't Fully Explain Pain.

A note from Mom

I've been working on a Bible study with my sisters-in-law and mother-in-law. We've just finished week two and I'm feeling more engaged in this study than in any other one I've done. I can't really explain it. It has lots of "jumping off" points that lend to really great discussions and conviction.

It ocurred to me that I should try to apply some of the things that I was studying. An interesting idea: a person might actually step out and do some of the things they feel God is telling them to do! I amaze myself with my brilliance sometimes. :-) Last week I pulled out a little plastic case full of index cards and wrote down some quotes and verses that I felt God has specifically spoken to me. I posted them around the house.

This past Thursday night, I did the same thing. This time I found a little surprise. As I was pulling out the cards, I noticed one had kind of fallen down and gotten crumpled under the others. It looked like it had writing on it.

I found this verse: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything with prayer and petition with thanksgiving present your requests to God. And the peace of God that transcends all understanding will guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Phil 4:6-7. It was written in my mom's handwriting because the index cards had been hers. None of the other cards were written on. I can't tell you how awesome that was. It was like a note from God passed to me by my mom. I know that particular passage meant a lot to my mom and it really applies to some situations I've been dealing with lately.

How to get to Heaven

Ethan told me that he knew how to get to Heaven. I asked him how and he said that he would use a map.

I love that little guy!

What I'd Like for You to Know

I think I referred to this before- I know that Sara put a link in one of her comments once, but I thought I would revisit it because it came up in on my blog-reader today.

This is a link to a post that Molly Piper wrote in regard to losing her baby. A lot of what she has to say can by applied to most anyone that is dealing with a loss.

Thanks for sticking with me!

Almost 6 months

Things I didn't know about death and grief before:



1. Some people that I didn't know very well before have been more understanding about the process of losing my mom than people that I've known for a long time.



2. It makes people uncomfortable so they don't ask me questions about my mom- even when given a perfect opportunity. For example, I had a conversation like this recently:



What are you doing tomorrow?



I'm going to Fort Snelling to bury my mother's ashes.



Oh.



That is seriously the only response this person gave me. People are so afraid of saying the wrong thing that they don't say anything. It's okay if you ask me about how I'm doing and I start to cry. It doesn't mean you did something wrong.



3. Sometimes, like right now, I want to run away.



4. My life has been completely changed and most people who see me have no idea.



5. In some ways, the more time passes, the sader it can be. This is especially true in regard to my children. I see them growing and changing and really miss my mom's presence in their life. I want to show her how incredibly smart Ethan is and how much Audrey has grown from a baby to a little girl. This is the change that has happened since January:

So, I've been feeling sad lately.

Fort Snelling Service

This morning was the internment service for both my mother and my grandfather. Grandpa Rosenfelt passed away last August and Mom's death came just 5 months later. Both were cremated which is why we had some time to wait to do the internment. Those who serve in the military and their spouses are allowed to be buried at a national cemetary. Grandpa Rosenfelt served in the army (I believe). Mom was never in the military, but Dad served in the navy. That's why we were able to do her burial there as well.

As you probably read from my previous post, there are a lot of people buried at Fort Snelling National cemetary. They do many burials every day so they don't allow for long services. They have a very specific way it all works. We drove to a designated place and then a car came to lead us to the place where we would do the service. The Memorial Rifle Squad was there and shot off their guns in salute to Grandpa's military service, they presented a flag to Grandma and a bugler played taps. After that part was finished, Pastor Bert shared some scripture and prayed with us. Fort Snelling only allows 15 minutes to pack everything in. It was short, but I understand that it's a logistics thing. Even with understanding that, it still seemed hard to really wrap my brain around what was really happening.

I took lots of pictures so I could have some memories of today. I don't have any from the memorial service and I feel bad about that, but I would have felt strange taking pictures, too.

I'm looking forward to being able to go back once the grave stone is placed (it wasn't there today) and spending some time processing everything.

I had explained, to Ethan, a little bit of what was going to happen today. I described a cemetary as a place where people go to think about and remember their friends and family who died. Everything happened so fast today that Ethan wasn't sure what to think. But he did say something that was really sweet. We were getting ready to leave and he said, "I want to think about Grandma". He was really distressed that we hadn't talked more about her so I was able to tell him 2 stories about Grandma.

The first thing I told him was how Grandma was so excited when he was born that she came to the hospital right away the next day and since she couldn't hold him right away, she printed off some pictures that Nathan had posted on our website and she hugged those pictures instead! The other story I told him was about how Grandma was supposed to bring Brian to work one day. She ended up making a wrong turn at a detour and getting completely lost. Brian had to call in to work to say that his "transportation was unreliable" and Grandma decided drive to Chanhassen to see us instead so she could spend time with Ethan. She thought that would be a good way to try to make it up to Brian!

Here are some pictures from today.

Some of the group gathered at Dad's before driving to Fort Snelling.

The Memorial Rifle Squad

This woman is thanking Grandma, "on behalf of the President" for Grandpa's service.

Pastor Bert leads the internment service.

Audrey and I hanging out at Dad's before the service.

Audrey and I with the posse.

Mom's "homeys"The family

July 7

We will be burying Mom's and Grandpa Rosenfelt's ashes at Fort Snelling National Cemetery on July 7th at 9:00.

Through the end of the 2007 fiscal year, 176,567 people have been buried there.

Talking to Myself

While the kids were playing in the sandbox yesterday, I was listening to a sermon titled, "Spiritual Depression in the Psalms" by John Piper. Does it seem like I've been drawn to his preaching a lot lately? They are just so full of Scripture and God-centered. It's been good for me.

The text was Psalm 42.


Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.

That's just part of the passage. You need to read or listen to the whole psalm to get the full impact. Piper referenced a book written on the passage by Martyn Lloyd-Jones:

Have you realized that most of your unhappiness in life is due to the fact that
you are listening to yourself instead of talking to yourself? Take those
thoughts that come to you the moment you wake up in the morning. You have not
originated them but they are talking to you, they bring back the problems of
yesterday, etc. Somebody is talking. Who is talking to you? Your self is talking
to you. Now this man’s treatment [in Psalm 42] was this: instead of allowing
this self to talk to him, he starts talking to himself. “Why art thou cast down,
O my soul?” he asks. His soul had been depressing him, crushing him. So he
stands up and says,: “Self, listen for moment, I will speak to you.” (Spiritual
Depression, 20-21)

I've been hearing "self" tell me a lot of depressing things lately. It never dawned on me that I should talk back. Isn't answering yourself one of the signs of being crazy? :-) Since hearing that quote yesterday I've been thinking about how important it is to speak truth back to myself.

Here's the link for some notes on the sermon and for your reading enjoyment. If you prefer, there's a link to listen instead.

Unresolved

In the days immediately after Mom died, I was so thankful that we didn't have a strained relationship that would leave me with a lot of regrets. About a month ago, I started to remember things a little differently.

There was a period of time where my relationship with my mom was really strained. It was probably about 8 years. It wasn't bad all the time, but we had some really intense, emotional exchanges. In the interest of full disclosure, I need to take a lot of responsibility for it. The main thing that I struggled with was that I really wanted my mom to be proud of me. I felt like there was specific things that she had in mind for me to do and if I wasn't doing those things, I wasn't living up to her expectations. I put a lot of that on myself, but I would not be honoring my mom's memory by pretending that all of our issues were completely on my shoulders.

Once I was married, things weren't as bad. I don't really know why. I wish I could ask her what changed that made things better. Did I change? Did she change? I so envy those of you who get to grow up as an adult and get to know your mother better as you learn how to be a wife and mother. You will have so many opportunities that I wont have. Most of you will probably have years to work though the mother-daughter strife that you've had.

Dad was going through some of Mom's things about a month ago and he sent me a couple of letters that I had written to her. I'm sure he thought they would be something that I would treasure. I wonder if he ever read them because they were from some of the most strained seasons of our relationship. It brought back all kinds of painful memories. I'm still struggling with how to deal with it. I would give anything to hear her tell me that she was proud of me and that she trusted my judgment as a woman, a daughter, a wife and mother. I think she told me those things sometimes, but I want to be reminded because I'm starting to doubt it.

Just a paragraph ago, I said that most of you would have years to work out your issues with your mom (or daughter), and a little over 4 months ago, I would have thought I did too.

Plan B

I've been so challenged by the story of Todd and Angie Smith. I posted a link to some of their story in an earlier post. I took the time to watch/listen to some of their story as they told it to their pastor at Crosspoint Church in Nashville as he was preparing a series called Plan B. The basic idea behind it was this: How do we deal with life when it doesn't work out like we planned or when God doesn't show up in the way that we hoped?

The Smith's tell their story from the perspective of losing an infant daughter. This clip is part 3 of their interview. If you're interested in the other parts, they are parts 1a and 2b in the related video section. At about 4 minutes, 45 seconds in, the words Angie and Todd say really resonate with how I feel about losing Mom.

New Life Family Services Memorial

Here are some pictures from the New Life Family Services office where some of the ladies there put together a little service in honor of Mom. I look like crap because I had been crying. Oh well. We're posing in front of the tree that has the names of people who had given memorials. Dad is holding a memory book put together for us.

Putting up Mom's "leaf"

Mom's name is on one of these. You may need to click on the picture to see a bigger image.

It was a very nice service and it was interesting to hear people talk about a part of mom's life that we didn't know very much about.

Mother's Day

I celebrated my first Mother's Day 3 years ago with a fancy lunch in the cafeteria at Abbott Northwestern Hospital. Somehow, my mom ended up with A LOT of forks on her plate. Nathan thought it would be funny to take a picture.
My second Mother's day was celebrated in Toccoa Georgia while we were there to celebrate Luke's college graduation. I was 4 months pregnant with Audrey. I remember my father-in-law, Don, buying a necklace for Nathan to give to me (in case Nathan had fogotten!). Don and Ethan made pancakes for us for breakfast. It sticks out to me because Ethan was terrified of Don for some reason (probably the mustache), but overcame his fears and let Don hold him while he made the pancakes.

Last year was my third Mother's Day. I don't really remember the day. I think I had picked out a necklace and told Nathan he could call that my Mother's Day gift. I'm sorry, Nathan, if you had done something amazing. My brain isn't working.

That brings us to this year- my first Mother's Day without my mom. I've been thinking about her a lot lately. I'll write about it more later. Sunday itself wasn't a bad day. Nathan made breakfast for me. He and the kids brought me breakfast in bed! They also bought me an arm-band ipod holder to use when I exercise. They also gave me a cute card and Nathan rearranged the basement and set up an area for me to do my scrapbooking. Nathan worked very hard! I was and am very thankful.

Thank you to all of you who prayed for me this Mother's Day.

Bring the Rain

Bring the Rain is the name of a blog that I've been reading. It has been following the story of a family who just recently lost their baby shortly after giving birth to her. They knew that she wouldn't be long on this earth. This video is a song they wrote with a slideshow of pictures of their family as they prepared for her birth and their short time with her. Her name is Audrey. Dad is a singer in the Christian group, Selah.
Get a hanky ready!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2CnUtVY35o

Healing

It's taking me a long time to get to writing this post. I experienced God in a very powerful way this last weekend and I'm not sure how to exactly put into words, but I feel very strongly that I need to tell you about it. Maybe it's just to take a step in obedience for my own sake or maybe it's because someone else needs to hear it.

I invited myself to join the women of Hope Community Church on their women's retreat last weekend. I had talked with Mom about going last year, but for some reason, I decided not to go. I was nursing Audrey and it would have been a bit of a hassle. I saw the dates marked on the calendar when we were at Dad's a couple of weeks ago. I believe it may be the last thing on the calendar on my mom's handwriting. I decided to ask Vivian if it was still on and if I could go.

Half of the women at the retreat, I did not know personally. The other half I have known for most of my life. I wasn't sure what to expect. If I had known what was planned, I probably wouldn't have gone. The speaker for the retreat, Bobbi, stood in front of us on Friday night and said that the theme for the weekend was "Taste and See". She said that to "taste" something meant to "try it out". She wanted to introduce to us, the process of healing prayer. As soon as she said that, I started to cry.

The fact that I was crying isn't that remarkable. From time to time, I have been known to be pretty emotional. But I had come to this weekend with a sense of expectancy. I was ready for something big to happen. I didn't know how or what that meant or how the weekend would play into that, but I was ready for something. After Bobbi introduced the theme, the tears came for a couple of reasons. They came because I knew that I needed healing and they also came because it's one thing I had been known to roll my eyes over or be fearful of when my mom talked about it. "Healing prayer" seemed sort of "out there" to me. I told myself that maybe it was too charismatic for my taste and that I could work through my stuff with God by myself. I am much more comfortable standing up and giving testimony of things that are in the past. I'm scared to death of saying out loud, "This is what I'm dealing with right now. This is where I'm failing".

At the end of one of the sessions, Bobbi said that the women's council had been praying for each of us in anticipation of this time. They specifically prayed that God would stir things up in our lives and bring things to the surface that we needed to address. As soon as she said that, a women near me started weeping. I knew how she felt. So many of us could see clearly how God was working preparing our hearts for this time. We broke up into small groups and our leader asked us if we wanted to share how God was working. Woman after woman shared an area where they were feeling they needed healing. Then the leader would pray for them and with them, praying truth straight from Scripture and encouraging the women to respond in prayer in whatever way the Lord was speaking to them. It included confessing sin and asking for forgiveness for specific things as well as admitting and saying out loud what things we were handing over to the Lord for him to work His healing and asking Him to redeem those past situations and to ask Him to help us believe the truth about our situations and ourselves.

A part of me still feels a little apprehensive of talking about this because I'm afraid that some of you will think that I'm weird. What if you're skeptical about what I'm saying? There truly wasn't anything mystical about it. It was powerful because it was God's truth being poured over our wounds and it was done in community. God showed me that some times there are issues that He wants to work on with me while I'm with other believers and not just in my room by myself.

There were two specific areas that I felt like I needed to open up myself and tell the Lord that I was ready to give up my own control. It had to do with my choices as a mom and my relationships with my girl friends. Some of it had to do with past hurts and some of it had to do with my own poor choices. I'll talk about that more later. For now, I just wanted to tell you that I "tried it out". I took a taste. The Lord did a work in my heart and I know I'm not the same.

Dear Mom (Ethan's turning 3)

Dear Mom,

Do you have internet access in Heaven?
If so, and you haven't already seen them, you should really check out the new photos of Ethan on thefritzes.net site. You could even leave a comment if you like!

Can you believe Ethan turns 3 tomorrow? I'm at such a loss when it comes to planning birthdays without you. I have a lot of things to do for his party that I keep putting off. Help! We're celebrating in Cottage Grove on Saturday even though tomorrow is the official day.

Ethan has been worried about how you're getting around. We borrowed the van from Dad the other day and Ethan started asking me how far away Heaven was. I think he was concerned about your lack of transportation! He also informed us yesterday that he asked Jesus into his heart on "Tuesday". He likes to use "Tuesday" as the day he says he does anything. He kept saying over and over again, "Jesus in my heart". I think he misses you and was hoping for a quick trip to Heaven. I told him that we had to wait until Jesus said it was time for us to go. I'm not sure how to explain this to a toddler.

And, BTW, the kids have fresh haircuts. Jill is making sure that Audrey's bangs stay out of her eyes in honor of you. See? The mother-daughter hair wars will go on and on. . . .

We'll miss you on Ethan's birthday. I wish we could all be celebrating in Heaven because I wouldn't wish you away from where you are. I love you and miss you!

Amy

Further clarification of my previous post

Here is a link to some notes on a similar sermon. This blog author explains it better than I did.

The author of that blog had this to say about the message:

He shared one of his deepest, sweetest discoveries of the past two or three years. He discovered from Scripture that Christ and His work are a means to something: justification, forgiveness, propitiation, sanctification, eternal life. But here’s the catch. In Paul and in Hebrews and elsewhere, in the very moment of His supreme “means” work, He at that very moment became and displayed the supreme beauty of the glory of the grace of God which the universe was designed to display for our everlasting enjoyment. Christ in His means work becomes, at that moment, the clearest focus of the end for which we are made. We are made to praise the glory of the grace of God. The glory of God reaches its apex in the display of free grace and free grace reaches its apex in the display of the blood of Christ so sinners could be freed from their love affair with the world. This is why we will spend eternity singing about horrible things—slaughter of the Son of God will be our song forever. We won’t put behind us gross horrible events. The worst event of history will be the center of our song forever and the supreme expression of His glory and the supreme experience of satisfaction forever. In Christ’s means work He becomes our end. All of the pictures of the supremacy of Christ in Hebrews are not only to fit Him for His means work but they are also presented so that in the means work we would see our treasure, our reward. The ticket becomes the treasure.

Every glory of the Savior, every facet of His majesty, is poured into the little word “him” in 13:13. “Let us go to him outside the camp.” Jesus is not standing back and saying, “Go back!” He is saying, “I am out here! You are in there where it is so safe. But I am out here. Come to me…” The sweetest fellowship with your Savior and your treasure that you will ever know is the fellowship of His sufferings. It doesn’t get sweeter. The supremacy of Christ is not just His perfect fitness to bear our sins and not just the supremely valuable reward He will be at the end, but it is also present, personal, precious treasure. “Come to me, I’m out here,” he says. He won’t ask us to go where He won’t be with us. We will know Him in depths and ways in radical Christian sacrifice where we would never have known Him any other place.

Treasuring Christ and the Call to Suffer, Part 2

I just finished listening to part 2 of this measage given by John Piper at the New World Alive Conference. You can find it at desiringgod.com/blog and searching for the title of the sermon. If I get around to it, I'll post a direct link!

I wont to it justice here, but I'll share some things that stood out to me. You really need to listen to the whole thing yourself.

• Our suffering is never wrath, condemnation or judgment. It's never punishment- always purifying. Romans 8:1.
• In God's judment of sin through suffering, He is doing more than "responding" to sin. There is always a design and purpose. He permits what He permits for a reason. He subjected creation to futility so that the revelation of His glory could be seen in Christ in showing his grace ultimately in His death.
• God's design is that His glory would be praised. Eph 1:6
• In Christ's dying, He magnifies His glory by purchasing our deliverance (by His wounds we are healed) and He enables us to having a faith that perseveres. There is victory.

Here is what stood out to me the most-

God's gets glory when we ask for physical healing. It honors Him when we ask and it honors Him when He heals. However, in this imperfect world that we live in, physical healing will be exceptional and grace will be normative. Does that make sense? He always gives us grace to sustain us, but He doesn't always choose to give physical healing on this earth.

Physical healing often brings an "immediate outcry" of praise to God's glory. It doesn't tend to last. Are we giving more glory to God or saying, "I love health"?

I write more later. . .

Roger Counihan

Today was the Memorial Service for Roger Counihan.
Here are some pictures his family put together.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S5QXtSSPrgQ

Learning

I'm learning (or starting to, anyway) so many things right now. . .
I have a lot on my heart so this will be random and I'll post it on both sites. Sorry for the redundancy, but I'm not sure where to put it.

I have an ugly tendency to get myself worked up about things that I have no control over. Most of it has to do with my expectations of other people. While it's true that other people's actions and decisions can hurt me, the fact is, that in most situations, I may be able to do nothing about it. And the best thing I can do it just work on my own attitude. I've been convicted lately, that, instead of being frustrated about other people's choices in regards to their marriages, finances, and family relationships, I need to pray about my own life and work on these issues in my life.

I have had some very ugly "mommy" moments lately. Sometimes when Ethan refuses to obey, I completely lose my temper. This isn't behavior that my parent's taught me, it's something I seem to have picked up on my own. I need to stop and I need your prayers and encouragement so that I can. We had a situation that just happened today at lunchtime and I really messed up.
I didn't know that being a mom would be so difficult. I didn't know that I would feel so alone.

Treasuring Christ and the Call to Suffer

The link in my previous post isn't working. How is this?

Please pray for the Roger Counihan family. Roger is with Jesus now. He passed away last evening. His wife, Joyce, and his children and their spouses were with him.

Suffering

I linked to this through the Desiring God website. Some notes on a sermon on suffering. In all honesty, I have to admit I haven't read through the whole thing in detail yet or listened to it, but I plan to soon. When I do, I'll have lots to discuss with all of you.

So.... dig in! Or I wont have anyone to talk to about this!

Planning Ethan's 3rd Birthday Celebration

Ethan turns 3 this month. In planning to celebrate his birthday, we decided to have it in a more easily accessible location and to invite a few more family members than I normally would have. I knew it would be hard with Mom gone and having some extra family around for support seemed like a good idea. Not to mention that it will only be a couple more years before he really just wants to celebrate with his friends! Anyway, I'm making the most of it while this season of life lasts.
Watching Ethan is a great reminder of how much joy life can hold. I love that he is so innocent and that he really has no comprehension that there will be people in the world that wont be his "best friend". He loves life. And I'm understanding him a little more every day. The way to my son's heart is to get down on the floor and play with him and to participate in his little made-up games. Tonight, he was making up some nonsense song that he wanted to sing before bed. Nathan and I surprised him by singing it back to him (the best we could), instead of just telling him it wasn't a song and that he needed to come up with a new one. He laughed and laughed at our silliness. I think he fell over because he was giggling so hard!
Just a reminder that in this season of loss, I have this perfect picture of life living in my house with me.

More questions on prayer

The current sermon series is on prayer. The topic is timely for me. I was looking at the church website to see how the sermons in next few weeks would address this issue. I didn't see anything that would lead me to think my current questions would be addressed (of course I don't really know everything that will be covered so I could be wrong).

This is what I've been wondering:
Is there some rhyme or reason to why certain people get their prayers answered the way they request?

Why does God choose not to intervene sometimes?

I guess my main question about prayer right now is, "Why does God say "no" to some of our prayers?" How do we deal with that in a Biblical way?

BTW, my husband reminded me of something today. He was talking about how amplified things can seem when someone puts it in a post on a blog or website. He wasn't talking about me in particular, but I took it to heart. So, I was thinking about my last post and thought I should clarify that last week was REALLY hard for me. On the one hand, I want you all to understand how extremely difficult this journey is, but on the other, I hope you understand that I'm not renouncing my faith or turning my back on God or that I have nothing to be thankful for. I just have a lot of questions. I think I know the basic answers, but, for some reason, they don't really satisfy me right now. Maybe I come off like I think everything in life is bad. It's not. I have many things that I'm thankful for. I think it's a combination of things that are making me blue.

Convenience prayers

I read a lot of blogs every day. I subscribe to Google Reader and just add the ones I always check and I can see all the the new posts from all the blogs in one place. It's pretty cool. Anyway, based on the blogs I visit, Google also recommends ones they think would interest me. I've found some interesting ones through their recommendations. One of them today was praising God because they had prayed for the rain to stay away so they could film some outside scenes for a video.

I think it's great that they rain stayed away and maybe it would have even if they hadn't prayed. I'm just really struggling with accepting the way prayers are answered. I don't wish bad things on anyone or that they wont have their prayers answered, but the issues like not wanting it to rain because you're going to be outside, or for a free plane ticket or something that isn't going to cause you major pain or trauma if it doesn't happen- those are the things that frustrate me when I wonder why God chose allow my mom to die.

I'm not frustrated with the people who pray for these things. It just hurts when I think about not getting the outcome I desired. I know all the Christian answers about God having a plan and being able to use this situation for his glory. I believe it's true. I'm just not at the place where I understand.

I think I've mentioned some of this thinking before, but it's in my head again today so I thought I would share it.

Thanks for reading!

Depressed and annoyed

I've been missing Mom a lot as I look forward to planning Ethan's birthday. She always made birthday's special. It just really reminds me of how much relationships mattered to her. Don't get me wrong. She accomplished a lot of things, but she spent the majority of her time and energy on things that would matter in eternity.

On to what has been annoying me-
1) Please let me talk about my mom. She's only been gone for 2 months. You can ask me about her, but, if you do, it would mean a lot to me if you actually would listen to my response and not try to change the subject as quickly as possible.

2) If I'm talking about the details of mom's passing, please don't question me on the details like I can't possibly be right. So what if I am wrong or my doctors told me something you disagree with? Do you feel better for pointing it out? I certainly don't.

3) If I tell you I'm feeling sad, please don't try to talk me out of my feelings.

4) Please don't assume that, because I have my kids with me during the day, that I don't need someone to talk to. I'm lonely.

Easter

This was my first holiday where I had extensive responsibilities. Mom was always the one to make a big deal out of the holidays. It was a little out of the ordinary beyond Mom not being there.

On Friday night, the email server at Crown stopped working. Nathan went in and worked until 11:30. On Saturday morning, we all headed to Cottage Grove. Nathan dropped us off and then he drove back to Crown and worked until 11:30. Meanwhile, Dad, Brian, the kids and I made do. Dad had picked up the groceries we needed so I did a little prep work so Sunday morning would go smoothly. Ethan and I colored Easter eggs in the afternoon. He participated for a little while until he got bored.

After the kids were bathed and in bed, I put together Easter baskets! Mom would have prepared some baskets of her own. She always did something to make these sorts of days special. The baskets were ready to go so I prepared Monkey Bread for the morning. Dad had no idea what I was making so he picked up cinnamon rolls for breakfast. I explained to him that they wouldn't be necessary so I think he may save them for when the kids are back over there later this week. It wasn't a very restful night because Audrey woke up about 3 times needing her pacifier or just adjusting to a different place. When she woke up at 5:00, I took her to bed with me to get another hour of sleep.

Sunday morning included an easter egg hunt. Dad had put together some little plastic eggs with candy in them. I was very proud of Dad. He picked out treats for everyone. I remember Dad being in charge of a holiday once before and I wasn't impressed! This time, it really was touching. He actually thought to do that on his own. That's a big deal!

After getting everyone fed and dressed, I loaded the kids into the car and we drove to Hastings to pick up my Grandma. We all went to church together. Nathan was still at home and was back at work by 6:30 on Sunday morning. He worked until heading to church in Waconia to run the lyrics. Once the service was over, he drove to C.G. to join us for lunch. He arrived just in time to help with the final lunch preparations.

We ate lunch, laid the kids down for a late nap and I let everyone else clean up. The lack of sleep was catching up with me. Once the kids woke up, we gathered up all our stuff and headed home. We had supper, tucked the kids in and Nathan went back to work until midnight.

I'm just starting to fully realize all the things mom did to make life easier for all of us. And she enjoyed all of it and it was her way of showing how much she loved us. I wonder what the Easter celebration is like in Heaven.

So, it was a crazy weekend. We're tired! Only 3 days until we fly to Georgia!

I need your help!

I want to create some sort of book or scrapbook that I can give to my kids that helps them get to know my mom better. Do any of you know of any ideas or resources I should look into to find out more information about this? Thanks!

Long goodbye's

He didn't really get any sort of "goodbye" with mom, so it's new to me to read the experience that Roger and Joyce Counihan are living.

Here is a snippet from Joyce's latest journal entry on their Caring Bridge site:
Roger is now in bed all of the time. He is no longer to use the walker. Any strength he had in his little legs are gone. The hospice nurse was here this morning and she is so good with Roger. She said that his organs are starting to slow down and his breathing are showing signs of what is to come. Hard words to hear but expected.

Please keep praying for them.

As I was trying to fall asleep last night (the kids are sick again- 3 times in less than 2 months), I was thinking about the specific events of mom's passing and I started to cry. It was a heart-breaking experience. There was a sweetness about it too. There were friends, praying, singing. I'm thankful for all of the memories of that day.

Heaven

I been reading Heaven by Randy Alcorn. It's been really interesting to look at what specific Scriptures actually have to say about Heaven. I think most of my ideas of what it's like aren't based on the Bible.

For instance, there are Scriptures that actually indicate that we are continuing to learn while we're in Heaven and that there is some awareness of what is happening on earth. I wonder if my mom is reading this blog?

And, I never really thought of this before, but, the Heaven that exists now is not the same as the one that will exist after Christ returns to set up His kingdom.

When my mom first told me about Heaven, I was a little nervous about the trip. Flying through the air and all sounded kind of scary. I remember asking her if she would hold my hand when we went to Heaven.

So, what are your thoughts about Heaven? I'd love to hear them.

Ethan and Audrey and missing Mom

I haven't really posted anything lately because I haven't known what to say. I feel like the initial crisis is behind me. I'm slowly adjusting to my new "normal". Maybe it's just in my head, but it seems quieter.

I know that whatever I feel is normal and fine. Sometimes I think that maybe I should feel a little more sad. It's been harder and easier than I would have imagined. I've said this before, I think, but the hardest part is missing the daily phone call where we would just talk about life and she would want to know everything about the kids. Everything they did and said, she wanted to hear it. Ethan and Audrey are sick again and I know that if she had been around, she would have loved to come and rock Audrey and read stories to Ethan and snuggle him at nap time.

There are some fun stories that I'm not sure I've mentioned.

This one I know I haven't mentioned earlier. Yesterday, Audrey was sitting in my lap when I was sitting at the computer. I brought up a picture of Mom and she smiled, got excited, and started gesturing and pointing and babbling at it. It made me so happy. I know she wont remember Mom for much longer, but it sure seemed like she knew she was looking at a picture of one of the people who loves her most.

Also, on Friday, Ethan told me, out of the blue, that I could pray to Jesus. I asked him what I should pray about. He said, "Anything you want." I think he may be on to something there.

Finally, shortly after Mom passed away, I was explaining to Ethan that Grandma Henning was in Heaven with Jesus because she loved Jesus and had asked Jesus into her heart. Ethan replied by shouting out, "Jesus in my heart!". I'm not sure if that was his 2 year old understanding of asking Jesus into his heart, it might have been. If my mom knew that her death would be the thing that caused Ethan to put his trust in Jesus, I know she would have gladly accepted the assignment.

Please pray

Please pray for Roger Counihan and his family. He has brain cancer and feels like his time on earth may be coming to an end soon.

This is his caring bridge site.

Health update

I posted a few weeks ago that I had become a hypochondriac!

Well, I had my physical a week ago. They checked my weight and it was "perfect" (according to the doctor- I still would like to lose 5 vanity pounds!). My blood pressure was "perfect". It was actually on the low end of normal so it was a good thing I stopped taking the beta blocker I got after going to the ER. And, according to the letter I got from the clinic this week, my cholesterol was "excellent" and I don't need it checked for 5 years!

I was pretty sure my health was alright, but it's nice to have it confirmed by an expert. So far, the doctor's who have listened to my heart do not think my heart murmur is aortic. I may have an echocardiogram just for my peace of mind, but they are pretty sure it's benign.

Yeah for good news from the doctor!

We interrupt your regularly scheduled program

to post random recent pictures of Ethan and Audrey.

Hello Germany

My blog had a visitor from Germany today. Hello! So far you get the prize for being the visitor from the farthest away.

It's Thursday so it was another Bible study day. It was a struggle to finish the lesson this week. After my temper tantrum toward God at the beginning of the week, I ended up having a very smooth and uneventful several days. I still struggled through some of the Bible study material.

We're learning about God's glory. I wasn't into it. I know that shows how much I still have to learn about God. My gut reaction to the idea that we exist to glorify God is that it doesn't sound all that great and that it's kind of selfish of God.

It's a wrong attitude to have and I need to work through it. It says something about my pride and how I'm basically saying, "Your ways are higher than my ways, but I prefer mine". That's sin. Sin is serious. I glanced through Job 38 today. Just a brief glance is enough to put me in my place.

I pray for a desire to be able to reply like Job in chapter 42- "I know that you can do all things, no plan of yours can be thwarted. . . Surely I spoke of things I did not understand. Things too wonderful for me to know. . ."

Thank you

Thank you for praying when I couldn't/wouldn't.

The kids are doing alright. Audrey is coughing and both kids have constant runny noses, but they seem to be napping and sleeping at night well. That helps Nathan and I to get our sleep. Nathan has a cough now, but he doesn't need me to stay up with him in the night if he doesn't feel well. So, it's not as much work!

We've had some good days this week. I'm very thankful for that.

More?

After posting last night, I went downstairs and told Nathan exactly how I felt about Audrey being sick. Then I went back upstairs and played around on the computer a little more. At about 10:00, Nathan told me that he had set up a bed for me downstairs so that I could sleep without having to worry about the kids. It was really sweet of him. Unfortunately for him, both kids woke up at about the same time- 5:00am. Just as he was trying to settle Audrey, Ethan hollered for him. My husband takes very good care of me.

The kids did alright today. Audrey is still not feeling great. I spend most of my day wiping the kid's noses. I just don't feel motivated to do any great "mom" things. I just want to go in my room, crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head.

Dad just called with news the my mom's sister, Kathy, is in the hospital. Kathy almost died of e.coli poisoning last fall. She is experiencing some of the same symptoms again. Please pray for healing for her. If you know my family, please note that my grandmother has not been told yet. I think they want to wait and see how things go with her treatment. I don't know if Grandma can take anymore news like this. My grandfather passed away in August, Kathy almost died a few months later, and my mom passed away a month ago. That's a lot to deal with for one person. It seems like we can't catch a break.

Fears about prayer

The kids are back from spending the Saturday day and evening with my Aunt and Uncle and cousins. It was a nice break, but Audrey had a little cough before leaving and now she's hacking a lot. It probably would have happened anyway.

I was apprehensive about the weekend. The offer to have someone take the kids was nice, but Nathan is home on the weekends so it's not usually a stressful time for me. I decided that Nathan needed the break. It was nice for him to not have any responsibilities. But I'm back to reality tomorrow.

Monday is looming and I'm sad, frustrated and angry. I've been praying that my kids would be/stay healthy. This is something that is a huge deal to me right now. I'm afraid that the things that I pray for that will make the biggest impact on my ability to cope will be unanswered or answered with a "no".

I have no faith right now. Could someone who has some please pray that my kids would be healthy and be able to get the sleep they need to stay healthy? I know it's terrible to say this, but I don't want another circumstance that draws me in closer to God? It probably shows my lack of knowledge. It doesn't seem like He cares.

Propranolol

Propranolol is the beta blocker that I've been taking since Monday's trip to the ER.
It makes me extremely sleepy. I can't wait to be done with it.
The kids are away for the day/night at my aunt's house. I'm hoping for a full night's sleep.

Delivered from the fire

The day my mom passed away, Mom, Bobbi and I were in mom's room while Dad called someone. We had recently received the news that there was some mass that had shown up on her CT scan. Bobbi reminded Mom of some truths they had learned together in their recent Bible study on Daniel.

They had just learned that there are three different scenarios that can happen when Christians face fiery trials:

1) We’ll be delivered from the fire. God could choose to take the fire away.
2) We can be delivered through the fire. God could sustain us through the hard times.
3) We can be delivered by the fire into His arms. God will meet us on the other side of the fire in eternity.

We had no idea that, in less than 12 hours, Mom's would be delivered straight into Jesus' arms. The fire she experienced was brief.

I was able to spend some time talking with my dad, crying and sleeping today. It was what my body and my spirit needed.

Taking time to grieve

After my trip to the ER on Monday, I started to realize how important it is for me to find a way to reduce the stress on my body. As a stay at home mom, my work day starts before I I take a shower. I'm trying to fit in breakfast for myself before Nathan leaves. I'm running downstairs to start a load of laundry and bring up a load to fold. I'm checking my email with the kids hollering for my attention. On top of just being a mom, my personality gets stressed just by having a messy house. I spend my whole day, following my kids and picking up their toys and sweeping the kitchen floor. If I step on cereal one more time. . . argh!

It's not that I have that many things that are urgent, but I keep telling myself that I'll be able to relax once I finish ______ (fill in the blank). I think I've approached grief the same way. I've been too busy to give myself time to cry and talk to God about it. I know I have a lot to discuss with the Lord and that my grief is deep. When I really deal with it, I need time. My physical body is crying out for a relief from the stress and tension of waiting for that release. Meanwhile, I tell myself that I can't until I finish picking up the books that Ethan and Audrey dumped out in the living room. My blood pressure rises as I finish that task only to look up and see play-doh all over the kitchen floor and in my daughter's mouth. My physical body says, "If you aren't going to take the time to deal with the real issues in your life, I'll help remind you."

Last night, while I was watching The Biggest Loser on NBC, I felt like my throat was tight. I started to think about it. I started to worry a little and be more aware of it. My heart started to feel funny again. Only this time, I felt more of a pressure in the chest as my arms started to feel weak and tingly. The Propranolol that I'm taking kept my heart rate under control, but the anxiety still tried it's hardest to manifest.

As Nathan and I talked later, it became even more evident that my body is telling me that it's time to deal with this now. After showering this morning, I sat in the glider in the living room and looked at Ethan and Audrey and started thinking, "Audrey needs a diaper change and some clothes for today. Ethan needs to be changed out of his pj's, " and I couldn't move. I just didn't have the energy to get up and take care of them. Nathan said he would find a way to take care of them during a meeting he had to be at for work this morning and I went into my room and wept.

I'm not over losing my mom. I'm sad. I called her every day. Having a hard day is like a slap in the face to me. It's a reminder that one of my lifelines is gone. Audrey isn't going to remember my mom and I'm mourning that. Ethan may remember. Mom isn't going to be there when my kids get married. She wont be there for our birthdays. It's not fair and I don't understand.

Please pray that I will be able to handle the demands of being a mom and a grieving daughter in a way that is healthy. Even asking for help can be stressful (If someone else takes the kids, they wont get a good nap or nap at all and when I get them back they are more needy and cranky than they were before. . . you get the idea. There is always something to worry about).

I'm going to have something to eat now. I think that's one of the steps in a healthy grieving process.

My trip to the ER

I've been the dentist every week for the last 5 weeks:
1) Cleaning, 2) Went in for fillings but started crying because Mom had just died a few days prior. They sent me home and told me to come back next week, 3) 2 fillings on the right side, 4) Went in to do 2 fillings on the left side, but was so congested in my nose and draining down my throat that I could hardly breathe when they were working on me. They did one filling., 5) Final filling.
The last filling was below the gum line and I'm still feeling some pain. That brings me to my story for today.
I waited to take ibuprofen this morning, because I wanted to see if it was going to hurt again and I wanted to be able to describe exactly where the pain was coming from. On Sunday, it hurt so bad that I really couldn't tell where the pain originated. My forehead, jaw, teeth, sinuses- everything on the left side hurt. I was resigning myself to the fact that I would probably have to make another trip to the dentist.
I called Nathan shortly after he got to work this morning to ask him about the car. We had been having a few issues with it making a funny noise. We talked about having me call the dentist. I told him that I was trying to wait and see how I felt today. I noted that my left side of my face was feeling pretty numb. As we were talking, my heart started to race. My left arm and my legs felt really weak. I told Nathan that I felt really dizzy, but not to worry and not to come home. I hung up the phone and realized I was having a hard time breathing.
I called Nathan back and said, "Come home. I'm going to pass out." I called a friend who lives in town and she rushed over to take the kids while I tried calling my dentist. Clearly, my reasoning abilities weren't at full capacity. The dentist was busy, but she would call me back. Ok. I decided should probably call my MD. I called the clinic and pushed the number to schedule an appointment. I waited on hold for the next available person for a minute. My heart rate was a little slower, but still faster than normal and felt very dizzy. My face felt numb. My friend told me it was time to call 911.
There must have been no other emergencies in Winsted at 8:45am because Nathan counted at least 10 people that were in our living room when he got home. They arrived quickly. Ethan thought the ambulance, sirens and uniformed officers were great. I lay on the couch as they checked my pulse, gave me some oxygen, checked me for stroke activity (I recognized the tests from when they did them on Mom), checked my blood pressure (138 over something) and my blood sugar (normal- thanks for the Lucky Charms).
The EMT's/first responders decided to treat me as if this were a possible heart attack or stroke and they gave me some baby aspirin with instructions that I needed to chew them before swallowing them. Then they loaded me onto the stretcher and carried me out of the house to the ambulance. Nathan had arrived and rode along in the front. The EMT in the back with me, actually got an IV in on his first try! He went straight for a vein in the inside of my elbow. He couldn't see it, but he could feel it. The stains on my shirt and the blanket they had over me attest to the fact that he found it!
My heart rate had settled down to normal and I felt a lot better. I was still dizzy. I was cold and anxious and it was making me shiver. We made it to the hospital in about 20 minutes. While Nathan admitted me, they got me situated and asked me lots of questions they had already asked.
Once I was in the ER, they did some more blood pressure checks and hooked my up to the heart monitor. The IV was still running and I hadn't used the bathroom for a while before I left. With the additional fluids they were pumping into me, I really had to empty my bladder. No one was with me so I had to holler for some help. Finally, a nurse came. As the first nurse arrived, my heart started racing and I became very dizzy again. A second nurse was coming to hook up some additional heart monitoring stuff and they were able to get a good read on what was happening. Once I felt more stable, I took my trip to the bathroom.
The ER doctor came to see me and asked me to explain, "in your own words", what had happened. I did. Then he asked me if I had any recent stress in my life.
I answered, "Yes".
"Can you tell me about it?"
I immediately started to cry. I know, from some of my posts, it must seem like I'm a basketcase all the time, but the truth is, my life has carried on in a pretty normal fashion. I'm not walking around depressed and sad all day. After taking in everything I said and reading the print outs from the heart monitors, he told me that I was dealing with SVT and something else that is another kind of tachycardia that happens when another part of your heart want to make your heart beat. Well, I had two other areas of my hear that wanted to "help".
He listened to my heart and told me that the heart murmer that he heard was not aortic like my mom's (yeah!), but a more benign murmer. However, he said that if he were me, he would have my doctor do an echo at my appointment on the 29th just to get a good picture and to alleviate any fears I had. He really believes that I am very healthy, just dealing with a lot of stress. I didn't realize that it was that bad, but I guess it is.
He discharged me and gave me a prescription for a beta blocker (Propranol) to help keep my heart rythm under control. It was my choice whether I wanted to take it or not. I decided that I wanted to have it, at least for the time being. I didn't want to go home worrying that it might happen again. I also have some instructions on what to do if it does happen: briefly hold my breath, pinch my skin enough to cause pain, bathe my face in cold water, submerge my head in a sink or cool water or take a cool shower. . . Doesn't that sound fun?
Nathan and I rode home with Tom Henely. I took a nap for about an hour and a half and I'm feeling alright now. I feel a little silly about it and I'm afraid I just blew through the tax refund we were going to use to get a second car, but I was so scared at the time and I think I made the right decision to go in.

Recovering Legalist

I had a powerful revelation this week.

I think I'm in recovery from legalism.

I mentioned in a previous post how, for a long time, I've felt numb when it comes to Bible Study, retreats, and church in general. From the time I was young, I did everything that a good Christian was supposed to do. God used the situations that I was in to make me who I am. And my experiences in a Christian school, church youth group and a Christian college taught me a lot of important things, but it also contributed toward my focus being on "doing" things to be a "good Christian" rather than focusing on drawing nearer to Christ.

I started to view Christianity in a very non-Biblical way. I defined it based on how someone was dressed, what kind of music they listened to, how they raised their children, how they voted. . . That outward focus can too easily lead to feelings of self-righteousness. I've been on a journey of learning that a lot of those things aren't where God puts his priority. And, if for some reason, God chooses to convict me of something specific, it doesn't mean that I need to make sure that everyone else has that same conviction. I just need to be careful that my convictions are coming from God and not something I've just adopted from someone else's opinion.

God's purpose for us is to have an intimate relationship with Him. Isaiah 43:10 says, "You are my witnesses," declares the Lord, "and my servant whom I have chosen, so that you may know and believe me and understand that I am he. Before me no god was formed, nor will there be one after me" Getting back to spending time studying God's word and praying, for the purpose of having a more intimate relationship with my creator, is causing me to come alive. That probably sounds corny. That's where I am right now.

The outcome we had wanted

Here is a link to a story of a woman who miraculously recovered from a massive aneurism. Her family had just disconnected her oxygen and were waiting for her to die. She didn't. What an incredible miracle! She was at the same hospital that my mom was at. It was the kind of outcome that we were asking for. I would argue that my mom is currently much better off than the woman in this article!

On a lighter note

My kids are famous (inspired by David and Sarah ).

Getting to know my mom

We went home to Cottage Grove on Saturday. I still don't know how to refer to it. I'm so used to saying "Mom and Dad's". Or "Mom and Dad's house". I've been specifically avoiding referring to it as "Dad's house". It doesn't change the truth of the situation, so I don't know why it really matters how I refer to it.

Dad told me to go ahead and look through Mom's stuff and take anything that I wanted. My mom has a lot of things so I don't anticipate that I'll be done going through everything for quite a while, but I did have a chance to look through some of her books and some of her Bible study guides. Mom and I both went through the Beth Moore study, "Believing God". I did it one year ahead of her. I was curious to see her workbook.

What I found was one of the clearest illustrations of my mom's entire life. The big assignment for that study was to create a timeline of your life and mark all milestones and specific areas where you saw God's hand at work. Mom took her assignment very seriously. There were lots of things indicated on her timeline. And then she wrote notes about each section of her life. It was basically broken down into 12 year intervals. For each 12 year segment, she wrote the theme or highlights of the things that the Lord had been teaching her.

The last segment of her life is full to overflowing with things that the Lord did in her life. As I read over it, it occured to me that many people don't experience as much of God's blessing in 90 years of life as my mom did in 58. And the only thing she had to do was allow God access to all the little corners of her life and trust that the Lord could trade her small dreams for bigger ones. He didn't let her down. It was not an easy journey for my mom. She experienced grief, loss and heartache, but she would tell you that the reward was far greater than any sacrifice that she made.

The end of her timeline said her age: 57. That was last Spring. After the "57" she put a ". . . ." to indicate that her timeline wasn't finished. I cried when I saw that. Little did she know that her timeline was nearly done. I so wish that line extended several more pages, but it's a blessing to have something tangible to hang out to that tells me so much about her.

Pictures

We have hardly taken any pictures since Mom died. I decided to pull the camera out and start taking some pictures. I discovered there were a couple of picture on the camera I forgot about. Ethan has been a bit camera shy lately.

I Will Sing

A Mighty Fortress

"The Lord is my light and my salvation-- whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life-- of whom shall I be afraid?" Psalm 27:1

This morning was the beginning of the new Bible study that I'll be doing for the next 8 weeks. It was really good to be there, but as we got to the end of the session, tears just started streaming down my face. My emotions are so close to the surface right now. It doesn't take much to get the tears started.

I really do miss my mom. This study that started today is one that she's done and I know she would have liked to discuss it with me. To tell you the truth, I've felt numb to a lot of the Bible studies that I've gone to in the past. I think it's easy to allow that to happen when you've grown up in the church, gone to a Christian school, Bible College. . . It's not inevitable, but it's understandable.

I was working on the lesson for Day 1 in my book over nap time today. Today's title is "A Mighty Fortress". I underlined these sentences:
"Christ as our stronghold does not mean life will be easy or trouble free, but rejoice with me that we do not have to live in fear. God's purposes may lead us to the path of suffering, but wherever He leads, we know he protects. He may protect from suffering or through suffering, but the more we know Him, the less we need to fear." Later there was a sentence that said that we should pray to the Father asking Him to "teach us to see His sheltering hand even when that hand takes us through difficult circumstances."

That's what I need to pray right now.

"The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer." II Samuel 22:2

"The Lord will roar from Zion, and thunder from Jerusalem, the earth and the sky will tremble. But the Lord will be a refuge for his people, a stronghold for the people of Israel." Joel 3:16

Calling home- Wednesday

If I had been able to call Mom, I would have called her a dozen times today begging for her help. Ethan wouldn't listen to anything I told him. I yelled so loudly at him that I hurt my voice and I was so angry that I hit his wall. I'm not proud of myself. I've been wondering if my mom could actually see me. I wonder what she would think. I was not at my best.

I would regularly call Mom to ask her for advice on what to do with the kids in certain circumstances. I don't know why I did because she could never remember having any of the problems that I was experiencing. If she did, they were easily resolved. I think Brian and I must have been the easiest children in world as infants and toddlers. I can't speak for the other ages because I hadn't got to the point where I needed advice on elementary school, junior high, etc.,

One of my favorite stories of mom was from this last fall. Mom knew the struggles I was having with getting Ethan to listen. One of her ideas to me was to just "love him". "What does that mean?" I would ask her, "That tells me nothing, Mom!" One Saturday, when we were at my parent's house, Ethan defied Mom. I don't know what she had asked of him, but he clearly disobeyed her. Mom told Ethan that he had to sit for a little while at the kitchen table. I walked in at that point and Ethan looked at me, his eyes full of confusion, and he said, "Grandma said, 'no'"! I looked at Mom and said, "You just need to love him, mom". We laughed. Poor Ethan. He had no idea that Grandma could say, "no". She obviously didn't do it often!

Hypochondria?

13 years ago, When I heard that my mom was going to have heart surgery, I wasn't that concerned. I don't know if I didn't understand that she was actually experiencing heart failure or if my parents just did a really good job of downplaying the situation. I wasn't nervous until one of the doctors came to tell us that she was on the heart pump and that everything was going well with her surgery. That's when it hit me that she was having HEART surgery. That's a pretty serious thing. She came through it fine. I never gave it another thought. After surgery, mom was, in her words, "not a good candidate" for surgery since she had to be on blood thinner once she had the mechanical valve. I never once thought that would be a problem. I guess Mom and Dad were wondering lately how long the mechanical heart valve was supposed to last. I didn't know that. I thought she was set for life. I never worried about her health.

I've never considered myself a hypochondriac, but I've been losing sleep worrying about my health since Mom died. I had my cholesterol tested at a health fair about 5 years ago and it was high. I never followed up on it. The several physicals I had since then, I wasn't at an age where it would have been standard for them to check my cholesterol. I should have told them to test it. I had my blood pressure tested at the drug store earlier this week and it was in the "prehypertension" range. I know I have been under a bit of stress that might be impacting this reading, but it's still on my mind.

Finally, and most concerning to me, I have been told that I have a heart murmur. I've never been told that it's anything serious, but it scares me. That's what Mom had. It was because her aortic valve wasn't working properly. Before she had valve replacement surgery it had calcified down to the size of a pencil eraser. It's supposed to be much bigger. I always downplayed it to my doctors when talking about my family medical history because I thought Mom had said she thought it was due to getting scarlet fever as a child. Within the past year, though, she told me that she wasn't sure that was the case. If it was something that was congenital, than it is certainly something I need to take seriously.

Please pray that I wont be fearful. I need to schedule a physical and ask my doctor what she thinks about my situation. I would suspect and ask that she was do some further examination of my heart to make sure we all know if there are any issues that we need to be aware of. Whether it is rational or not, I'm really very frightened right now. Please pray against that and pray that my heart is perfect!

Calling home about things for which I'm thankful

Things I'm thankful for:

• Audrey slept all night in her own bed last night. She lost her pacifier about 5 times, but she went back to sleep on her own each time we gave it back to her.
• Candy was able to watch Ethan and Audrey while I was at the orthodontist office this morning.
• Vivian came and played with Ethan and Audrey and she cleaned my kitchen while the kids and I napped. She even took Ethan to the potty after he called out, "Bibian (Vivian), I need to go potty". He hollered for her to come play with him when he should have been napping, but he eventually settled down and had a good nap.
• The roads were dry when I went to pick up Nathan tonight.
• Ethan and Audrey both sat on my lap at the same time today and Ethan put his arm around Audrey. It was really sweet.
• A friend from church called and offered to help me out.
• Nathan made supper.
  

In Better Hands

Take a Rest

"Come to me, all of you who are tired and have heavy loads. I will give you rest."
Matthew 11:28

The Lord gave me rest this afternoon. I'm trusting Him for strength for tomorrow.

Why is it easier to express my frustration to God in regard to my children being sick than to question His will in the death of my mother? Somehow my heart can dig deep to imagine that the Lord will use my mom's death to bring Him glory and accomplish something far beyond anything I could imagine. I believe that He will. I know that He will.

I'm struggling with understanding the big picture surrounding being miserable with colds. Nathan suggested that maybe He wanted to teach us something. That wasn't something I was open to at 2:00am this morning. I know in my heart that God doesn't owe me anything, but I was kind of hoping He would give us a pass on sickness or any other additional burdens right now. This is the perfect example of a situation in which I would have relied heavily on my mom for support. I'm not sure if that makes sense because this situation with the kids wouldn't seem so unbearable without the added grief of Mom's passing.

My grief hasn't stopped the world from continuing as it has since the fall of man. It seems like time should stop for a little while. That's probably going to be a recurring theme in this journey. Thank you for praying for me and my family when I couldn't find the strength to do so myself.

* * * *

Psalm 73:26
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Isaiah 49:14-16
But Zion said, "The LORD has forsaken me, the Lord has forgotten me." "Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me."

1 Peter 1:3-9
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His abundant mercy has begotten us again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance incorruptible and undefiled and that does not fade away, reserved in heaven for you, who are kept by the power of God through faith for salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ, whom having not seen you love. Though now you do not see Him, yet believing, you rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, receiving the end of your faith the salvation of your souls.

Awake

4:27am- Awake.

Have been most the night.

Still praying.

Questions

I've been thinking about prayer lately.

I've had some extra time to think: 1:00am, 1:15am, 1:40am, 2:00-3:30am, etc. . .

Audrey and Ethan are sick. So are Nathan and I. I can barely handle the kid's whining all day and needing to be held all the time when I feel like I am more needy myself right now. I really can't handle the fact that, since Audrey isn't feeling well, she isn't sleeping.

I've been praying about it: Please Lord, help my kids to feel better. Help them to get the sleep they need so their bodies can recover.

And still Nathan and I were up taking turns with Audrey last night. I started feeling ticked off. I mean, really, can't a girl catch a break? I didn't get mad at God when he chose to not heal Mom. Now, I feel like He might owe me one. All I asked was for us to all get the sleep that we needed last night. I know that I don't see the big picture that God sees, but I can't imagine how it brings Him glory for my little girl to cry all night and for Nathan and I to be incapable of functioning.

I have a lot to learn about prayer. Why is is that some people pray for plane tickets or a new car and they get it? All I asked was for a good night's rest.