After my trip to the ER on Monday, I started to realize how important it is for me to find a way to reduce the stress on my body. As a stay at home mom, my work day starts before I I take a shower. I'm trying to fit in breakfast for myself before Nathan leaves. I'm running downstairs to start a load of laundry and bring up a load to fold. I'm checking my email with the kids hollering for my attention. On top of just being a mom, my personality gets stressed just by having a messy house. I spend my whole day, following my kids and picking up their toys and sweeping the kitchen floor. If I step on cereal one more time. . . argh!
It's not that I have that many things that are urgent, but I keep telling myself that I'll be able to relax once I finish ______ (fill in the blank). I think I've approached grief the same way. I've been too busy to give myself time to cry and talk to God about it. I know I have a lot to discuss with the Lord and that my grief is deep. When I really deal with it, I need time. My physical body is crying out for a relief from the stress and tension of waiting for that release. Meanwhile, I tell myself that I can't until I finish picking up the books that Ethan and Audrey dumped out in the living room. My blood pressure rises as I finish that task only to look up and see play-doh all over the kitchen floor and in my daughter's mouth. My physical body says, "If you aren't going to take the time to deal with the real issues in your life, I'll help remind you."
Last night, while I was watching The Biggest Loser on NBC, I felt like my throat was tight. I started to think about it. I started to worry a little and be more aware of it. My heart started to feel funny again. Only this time, I felt more of a pressure in the chest as my arms started to feel weak and tingly. The Propranolol that I'm taking kept my heart rate under control, but the anxiety still tried it's hardest to manifest.
As Nathan and I talked later, it became even more evident that my body is telling me that it's time to deal with this now. After showering this morning, I sat in the glider in the living room and looked at Ethan and Audrey and started thinking, "Audrey needs a diaper change and some clothes for today. Ethan needs to be changed out of his pj's, " and I couldn't move. I just didn't have the energy to get up and take care of them. Nathan said he would find a way to take care of them during a meeting he had to be at for work this morning and I went into my room and wept.
I'm not over losing my mom. I'm sad. I called her every day. Having a hard day is like a slap in the face to me. It's a reminder that one of my lifelines is gone. Audrey isn't going to remember my mom and I'm mourning that. Ethan may remember. Mom isn't going to be there when my kids get married. She wont be there for our birthdays. It's not fair and I don't understand.
Please pray that I will be able to handle the demands of being a mom and a grieving daughter in a way that is healthy. Even asking for help can be stressful (If someone else takes the kids, they wont get a good nap or nap at all and when I get them back they are more needy and cranky than they were before. . . you get the idea. There is always something to worry about).
I'm going to have something to eat now. I think that's one of the steps in a healthy grieving process.
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2 comments:
You know, sometimes when I'm sad but just can't seem to cry (and I find a good cry releases some of that pent up stuff, whatever it is), I watch a movie that I know will make me cry. Even though I'm not crying about what it is that is actually bothering me, I'm still crying. But I've gotten to be a really good cry-er the older I get. It may seem that to not cry is the better, the braver, thing to do, but I think we were given that particular activity for a reason and that it is good. I go take a shower and have a good cry or flop on my bed and cry. Whatever works. Losing your mom is one of the saddest things that can happen, and even sadder when it happens ahead of the time we thought it would. From our human standpoint it seems unbelievable unfair. Admit that. God won't mind. He knows that we don't see the whole picture and that it seems unfair to us.
I would also suggest that you try some relaxation exercises so you can get more in tune with when your body is tense even if your mind is telling you that everything is fine. Just deep, abdominal breathing, concentrating on the air coming in and going out helps bring your blood pressure down and relax muscles that we don't even know are tense. Or see if you can rent a Tai Chi video. The movements are relaxing and you are encouraged to breath slowly and deeply.
You might also want to give yourself some slack. I remember when something very upsetting happened in my life that I had to keep telling myself that my emotions were injured and that I needed to take it easy with everything in my life to give myself time to heal. If I didn't feel like doing something (like laundry or housework or whatever), I didn't. If I wanted to take a nap, I did. I know it is hard with little kids, but if you were physically sick or injured, you would find a way to take time to heal. Try to treat this the same way and give yourself the chance to heal.
From Chris
Thanks! I really appreciate your insight and experience.
Amy
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